Friday, June 24, 2011

"I Yearn For Your Calm Embrace..." - A Heart Breaking Letter By Bahareh Hedayat to Her Husband Amin Ahmadiyan

I long to know where you are and how you are spending your days. What time do you wake up in the morning? When do you arrive at work? What do you wear? When do you take a shower? Are you impatient? Do you think the whether is too warm or too cold? If the weather is polluted or dusty do you feel it? I want to know how you get to the office. I yearn for the light that illuminates the steps to our house. I have forgotten, what did you say were the color of the walls of our apartment building? I yearn to know where you sleep. How do you wash your clothes? How many new people have you met that I don't know? Who have you argued with that I am unaware of? What are you reading? What are you listening to? Do you still stay awake until the early hours of the morning surfing the internet?

I want to know how you are and what you are up to. I want to know where you shop. Do you eat any fruit? It is summer now. Have you eaten any watermelon, strawberries, green plums, apricots or cantaloupe? Were they delicious? Did you enjoy them? I yearn to know if you still get a headache if your afternoon tea is delayed. Does you cell phone still need recharging all the time? Do you still forget to take it with you? Do you still wash you hair some mornings in the bathroom sink? Do you still sometimes eat yogurt with dry bread? Have you still not bought yourself a new bag and a new shirt? I yearn to know what you think of when you think of me. What do you want to know? What do you think of when you shop for me? What do you remember of our past together? Do you still pay attention to our anniversaries? Do you still remember that June 22nd and June 23rd in 2003 the first time I came to Majidiyeh? Do you remember that you showed me Esfahan for the first time on the 25th and 26th of June in 2002?

Do you recall the days when we went to the streets so we could be together? Do you still remember the afternoons we spent at Saati Park? Do you remember Zav? Do you remember way back when you used to take me to Darband? Do you remember that we went there the last time with Ahmad in the spring of 2008? Do you still remember the taste of my cooking? I don't remember it anymore... Do you recall how we slowly bought all our furniture together? Do you remember the new year in 2008? Do you remember that we went to the Caspian Sea and went to the beach? Ahmad was with us too. Do you recall June 6th in 2002 when you gave me an ultimatum and told me to move on with my life? Do you recall the first time I was released from Evin in June 2006? Do you recall March 9th, 2007 when I went to the Central Council? Do you recall August 8th, 2007 the afternoon I was released from prison when on the doorsteps at my father's house you said: "Wait a little longer..." You said: "In this one month I finally came to the realization that I can't live without you." Do you remember March 7th? I know you remember it. It was 7 1/2 years ago.

Amin I miss everything... every single thing... ever cell in my body is in pain as a result of my longing... I am tired of the small dreams that are draining me of air... Envy... envy ... do you know what it is? I know that you do... but you don't know what it feels like to be held in this damn cage and watch three people buried in front of your very eyes; two of whom, particularly the last were angels with exemplary character... You can't imagine what it feels like... and I hope you never have to experience it...

I yearn for your calm embrace...

Forever Your Bahareh

June 2011

Evin Prison

Source: Kaleme:

دلم می خواد بدونم کجایی،چطور روزهایت می گذرند،ساعت چند از خواب بیدار میشی؟کی میرسی شرکت،چی می پوشی؟کی ها حموم میری؟حوصله داری؟هوا برات گرمه یا سرد؟اگه هوا آلودست یا غبارآلود تو احساسش می کنی؟دلم می خواد بدونم با چی میری شرکت؟دلم می خواد بدونم نور راه پله های خونمون چطوره؟یادم رفته گفته بودی سنگ های ساختمونمون چه رنگیه؟دلم می خواد بدونم کجا می خوابی؟لباسهات رو چطوری میشویی؟با کیا این مدت آشنا شدی که من نمی شناسم؟با کیا دعوا کردی که من خبر ندارم ،چی می خونی؟چی گوش میدی؟هنوزم تا سپیده صبح سر اینترنتی؟دلم می خواد حال و روزگارت رو بدونم ،می خوام بدونم از کجا خرید می کنی؟تره بارتون کجاست؟میوه میخوری اصلا؟تابستون شده ،طالبی و زردآلو و توت فرنگی و گوجه سبز و هندوانه خوردی؟خوشمزه بودند؟دوست داشتی؟دلم می خواد بدونم هنوزم اگه چای بعد از ظهرت دیر بشه سر درد میگیری؟هنوز موبایلت شارژ تموم می کنه؟هنوز فراموشش می کنی؟هنوز صبح ها سرت رو زیر شیر دستشویی میشوری؟هنوزم گاهی ماست با نون خشک می خوری؟هنوزم برای خودت یه کیف و پیراهن نو نخریده ای؟دلم می خواد بدونم وقتی به من فکر می کنی به چی فکر میکنی...دلت می خواد چی بدونی..اصلا کی ها به یاد منی؟وقتی برام خرید می کنی به چی فکر می کنی؟از گذشتمون چی یادت مونده؟حواست به سالگردهامون هست؟می دونی اول و دوم تیر 82 اولین باری بود که من اومدم مجیدیه؟ و پنجم و ششم تیر81 اولین باری بود که اصفهان رو به من نشون دادی؟

یادت هست روزهایی رو که خیابون ها رو گز می کردیم که با هم باشیم؟یادت مونده غروب های پارک ساعی رو؟یادت مونده زاو رو؟ یادت مونده اون قدیم ها که من رو می بردی دربند؟یادت مونده بار آخر با احمد رفته بودیم..بهار87؟

یادت مونده دستپختم رو؟خودم که دیگه یادم نیست..یادت هست رفتیم ریز به ریز اسباب اثاثیه مون رو خودمون خریدیم؟یادت هست سال تحویل 87 رو..یادت هست رفتیم شمال..رفتیم دریا؟احمد هم بود..یادت میاد 16 خرداد 81 رو که باهام اتمام حجت کردی و عتاب کردی که برم دنبال زندگیم؟یادته بار اولی که خرداد85 از اوین آزاد شدم؟یادت هست 18 اسفند 85 را رفتم شورای مرکزی؟..یادت هست 17 مرداد 86 روزی که غروبش آزاد شده بودم توی پاگرد راه پله خونه پدرم گفتی:یه کم دیگه صبر کن..گفتی که توی این یه ماه تازه فهمیدم که بدون تو نمی تونم زندگی کنم؟..17 اسفندمان رو یادت هست؟..هست می دانم..هفت سال و نیم پیش بود..

امین دلم برای همه چیز تنگ شده..برای همه چیز..بند بند وجودم از این دلتنگی درد می کند..خسته ام از این همه آرزوهای کوچک که خفه ام می کند..حسرت..حسرت..می دانی چیست؟می دانم که می دانی..اما نمی دانی چه حالیست که توی این قفس لعنتی مانده باشی و در عرض یکسال سه نفر را از پیش چشمت تا زیر خاک بدرقه کرده باشی!! که دو نفرشان و بخصوص این آخریشان فرشته صفتهایی بودند مثال زدنی..نمی دانی چه حالیست..کاش ندانی هم..

دلم آغوش آرام تو را می خواهد...تا ابد

بهار تو

18خرداد 90



  1. Dear Mrs.Banooye Sabz,
    Thank you very much indeed for publishing the first english translation of Bahareh Hedayats letter from Evin. When I found it at yesterday, it was a painful reading. Of course we know the abstract numbers of political prisoners in Iran and the cruel measures of the security forces. But only documents like this personal letters can really show us how this whole system of oppression aims at destroying hope and humanity. But the letter is also an amazing document showing that even under these conditions, people can keep their spirit and their love.
    I yesterday did a translation of the letter into german
    oder (

    I already asked other people to translate it into their own language (already got a positive response from the swedish writer Lars Gustafsson and from former colleagues from Poland and Afghanistan). I plan to set up a special Web-Site (something like the Evin Rosetta-Stone), where all the translated versions together with Baharehs original persian can be published. It would be nice if you could join such initiative.

    sincerely Michael Rosemann (Radius otPC)

  2. Dear Banooye Sabz,
    We set up 10 days ago the website ( to publish multi-lingual translations of letters send by persian political prisoners. we started this initiative with a letter of Bahareh Hedayat, of which the first english translation was kindly done by you.
    I now include another letter into the Evin-Rosetta Stone project that was send by Issa Saharkhiz from the notoriuous Rejaei Shahr prison. The english translation was provided by the blogger PersianBanoo ( This translation was in the same way the one from Baharehs letter counter-checked by Persian2English. In the bottom-line of the english translation I therefore wrote again “translated by Banooye Sabz”, assuming that both PersianBanoo and Banooye Sabz are the same. If I am wrong, please correct me. I will change the bottom-line of the translation of Mr. Saharkhiz letter accordingly.
    If you can, please spread the information of the project Evin-Rosetta stone ( around. For Baharehs letter we were able to collect and publish already translations into 13 languages (among others chinese, hindi, french, swedish, german, danish, polish and others). If you know of other personal documents describing the inhuman conditions of the iranian political prisoners, please feel free to contact me and suggest them to be included in the translation project.

    Good luck, best greetings